Do I Eat Organic?

Okay - Who am I kidding? I have healthy DESIRES. I don't want to be fat. I want to be able to walk at a brisk pace and still be able to talk. I want to fit into the airplane seat and not use an extension on my seatbelt. But ... I have no interest in running a marathon, climbing Mount Everest, or eating tofu.

"Natural" - "Organic" - "Holistic" ... these words are not associated with my diet or my life. It doesn't matter if we are talking about my approach to pain or my peanut butter.... I am not a "Granola"!

I have a couple of examples to support my statement- bear with me.

Peanut Butter-
I could write an entire blog about peanut butter. (And I probably will ...) Let me just say that whoever created peanut butter should be exalted immediately and I am NOT being facetious -- not even a little bit! But, I should probably clarify-  whoever created Peter Pan peanut butter - because have you ever tried organic peanut butter?

During one of my quest to be healthier, I decided that I was going to give organic peanut butter a try. I knew I had made a mistake however when, as I twisted off the lid, I saw written in small curvy print - "Stir before consuming - Keep refrigerated".

Refrigerated? Are you kidding me? The warmer and the meltier the peanut butter - the BETTER. My bread should not tear when I’m spreading my peanut butter and there is something inherently wrong (and very un-granola like) about microwaving your peanut butter before you spread it! Strike ONE.

Stir? You do have to stir organic peanut butter, because apparently, one of the very unhealthy ingredients in normal peanut butter is what actually allows all the ingredients to mesh. I don't even need to know what that ingredient is - I already know that I am a fan of it! The absence of it in organic peanut butter causes the various ingredients to separate much like a container of oil and water. It happens so quickly that when I made a sandwich with it - I kept peeking between the bread to be sure the parts weren’t separating while I was attempting to eat it! Strike TWO!

If I really need a Strike THREE - then Ill give you a couple to choose from. The jar is too little, the price is too high and the taste is so far from Peter Pan that I can't even trick myself into believing that it is a treat.

My Body
Wisdom teeth - 3rd molars - I am sure you are familiar with them? My parents were kind enough to schedule mine to be removed when I was 17 - before I got married (at 18 - another blog entry) and was no longer on their health insurance. In my career however, I meet a lot of grown ups without such good fortune.

On one occasion, early in my career as a dental hygienist, I walked into my operatory to find my patient propped up in the dental chair dressed in cut-off jeans and Birkenstocks (with socks) and a 2 year old on her lap. She was the epitome of a "Granola". She proceeded to point to her area of discomfort which I immediately suspected was an impacted third molar. An x-ray and exam revealed that she needed to have the tooth removed - extracted. The dentist I worked for at the time suggested an oral surgeon and offered a prescription for the meantime.

When the dentist left - guess what this lady told me? "I am a naturalist". (I am not kidding - her Birkenstock clad self - announced to me that she was a naturalist!). "I really do not think I am comfortable removing perfectly good parts of my body." I explained to her that her pain could not be remedied any other way. If it were a cavity that was causing the pain, even a large cavity, we could fill the tooth or perhaps provide a root canal treatment but her problem was simply a matter of space - not enough room - and the tooth needed to be extracted.

Still holding her jaw, because she was in so much pain, she continued - "I prefer to listen to my body and let it can tell me what I need."

I could not resist. I put my hands on my hips and said, "That pain you are feeling?  That is your tooth screaming at you that it needs to be extracted- so please do listen!"

She really couldn't argue.

Child Birth
I am the very proud mother of five children. Currently they range from age 21 to 6 years old. As you read this - I bet your just itching to ask me if I had them "naturally". It is amazing to me that when you are a new mother and you have this beautiful, wrinkled and obviously brand new infant in your arms- even total strangers feel inclined to ask you if you birthed your child "naturally". I stole my response to this question from my very wise sister. I usually say- "Well it depends what you mean by natural. It didn't come out through my eyeball or anything!"

Dan and I attended Lamaze classed when I was pregnant with my oldest child Lyndsi Shae. Ill be honest -from the beginning, I never really caught the spirit of the Lamaze birthing method. To me, it is something akin to telling someone with appendicitis - "Stare at this pretty picture while I slowly cut you open and rip out your appendix".

Still ... we were taught that a mother bonds faster and stronger with her infant when she does not have drugs to aid her delivery. It was preached that the sense of accomplishment and euphoria would be one hundred fold if we did not chose the epidural cop out.

My first labor experience was just under 37 hours. Let me just say that there is not a focal point magnificent enough for 37 hours. I had an epidural. I am unashamed. In my book, the maker of epidurals is right up there with the maker of Peter Pan Peanut Butter..

For those of you who still insist that I have not lived life until I have experienced "natural child birth"  - I can tell you that I have indeed experienced a drug free vaginal birth. He was my second child. The labor was a mere 8 hours. I did not have an epidural. Corey was 9 pounds 3 ounces and I’m pretty sure his head was close to 22 inches. (That may have actually been his length but whatEVER). It hurt. I cried. I yelled. I was exhausted and embarrassed by my performance. It was not a happy experience.  I did not bond with him any faster, any more or any better than I bonded with my other children, who were birthed with the benefit of pain relieving drugs. I know it is amazing and unbelievable to you Naturals ... but being in touch with my pain - did not make me love him more.

I toyed with leaving this part out but I should mention that the absence of an epidural was not by choice. I am not that brave and I never felt the calling of natural child birth.  In fact,  I was inquiring about an epidural while I was still filling out the paperwork at the emergency room entrance. I did not receive my epidural because I was blessed with the GRANOLA nurse from hell - whom I will NEVER forget. It was 100% her fault that I did not get to have my epidural. I still remember her name and I even typed it here. Then I remembered that you may know her - or she may be your mother or next door neighbor - so I deleted it.

So ...
There you have it.  I am what I am - tainted with  unnatural preservatives,  pesticides and pain medications. 
I may very well die an untimely death associated with allowing these awful things into my body.
To that ... I say that the rest of you people are going to feel very silly when you are lying in YOUR hospital bed ... dying of absolutely nothing.

Alice In Wonderland

Today - I took my two littlest guys to see Alice in Wonderland (2010).


Let me first say that-so far- all variations of Alice in Wonderland thoroughly creep me out. In fact – until today – I’m not sure that I have ever seen any version in its entirety - probably because I had to stop watching to prevent bad dreams.

When Alice falls into the rabbit hole, it scares the hell out of me. Then there are all those locked doors that she cannot open – yes it scares me. I might be weird but when Alice is too big for one door that she can open -I cringe and find it hard to breathe as she tries to squeeze herself thru it! It’s the first time I understood claustrophobia.

What’s more? She drinks a mysterious potion (I’m yelling NOOOO! Don’t drink it! Are you NUTS?) Then- she alternately shrinks and grows! It is all just too CREEPY. I don’t think I’ve ever made it past that specific part of the story in any variation and apparently – that’s the very beginning of most versions.

Okay! I understand that the story is supposed to resemble a dream – and it is not supposed to flow or really make any sense whatsoever – BUT - I don't even like my OWN dreams and I really have never like that one.

So why would I take my kids to watch this movie? Can you say – “Johnny Depp”? I alternately love and loathe him. (I secretly would love to “mack” him in his pirate character ...just saying)! I am unashamed to admit that it was Depp that drew me to the movie. Depp – in case you do not know – plays the role of the Mad Hatter.

In the movie he and Alice have several clever exchanges – I’ve considered that each one might become my new mantra (if I had a use for such a thing).

Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad?
Alice: I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are!

I share with my wise mother the thought ... if THAT (pointing to some supposedly blissful human) is normal – I’m certainly glad I’m not normal!

Alice: Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast!
Mad Hatter: That is an excellent practice!

Allow me these moments of hope – they keep me very UNnormal.

Mad Hatter: (to Alice) You used to be much more ... “muchier” You’ve lost your muchness!

I want my muchness back. I’ll do whatever it takes! I’ll drink the potion – I’ll eat the cake – I’ll shrink – I’ll grow – I’ll even fight the Jabberwocky...